Dating... I don't know about you, but it makes me a little nauseous whenever I swipe right, we match and set a date. My stomach is in knots wondering; "who pays, what do we talk about, is my dress too short, is it not short enough?"
Exhibit A, 2017, St. Patrick's Day, I stumble into my apartment with drunken glee and sleepy eyes, and respond to a match with "man I wish I could see you." Only I didn't wish I could see him.
I was texting everyone on my phone that. Well to my surprise tinder guy responds with "just dropped my son off with the babysitter." I replied aloud,"oops I'm not sober enough or drunk enough for this"!
Tinder guy asks, me several times, where to meet him I respond, with liquid courage aggression, "you're the man you decide," and so he decides. I meet him at the restaurant, apparently four minutes late.
If you're wondering how I know this; it's because it was the topic of conversation for the next thirty minutes. Due to my tardiness tinder guy decides to harp on the unprofessional tone of my four minute delay in meeting him last minute. which might I add, he pushed to meet right then and there. I was drunk. I can't be held accountable for my texts. I digress, back to awkward tinder guy.
I was fooled into thinking the worse was over, but the waitress came around to take our order. I, being not quite ready, ask him to go first.He responds by addressing the waitress; she is apparently late for everything give her time.
The waitress, let's call her Katie, she looks awkwardly away, and she proceeds to take our order. As I gave Katie my order, tinder guy interrupts and says "well I guess I should order for you since I'm the man," apparently still replaying my aggressive,liquid courage filled text from earlier.
The only response appropriate for that is an eye roll and a loud, awkward laugh.This is just the beginning of this date, well should I say,social experience. I don't think date would be the best word. Katie comes back with no food in hand. He proceeds to raise his voice with her, demanding the cooks hurry up she is flustered and shy to answer.
I just stare at him with disdain,and comment on being polite,and what it says about your character. He further pokes at my four-minute delay, to this outlandish social experiment, and correlates my four-minute delay to his arrogant display of humanity,and patience.
Once again an eye roll, and teeth clenching awkward laugh. Katie returns with our food.I immediately ask for the check; her response "together or separate"?
There is a noticeable pause. I mean the kind of pause where you can hear a pin drop in a restaurant filled with people shouting at the football game on TV, or the kind when someone you don't like gets announced as your new manager.
Tell me what do you do?
I will never see this man again, and I don't want him to think if he pays I'm obligated to go out with him again.
However, my money shouldn't be wasted on a horrible date. I give Katie the evil eye roll for forcing me to make this decision.
We sat in silence for about, what felt like five minutes, but I'm sure eighty seconds is sufficient. He responds "well I guess that means together".
She replies "ya damn right." Katie, all of a sudden, has a back bone, and voice.
Anyway, I was mortified by her question; which should be an assumption right? So,I ask who pays on the first date? Especially if the date was bad?
I am not in the market to waste money on bad dates.
What do you do when your Katie makes an awkward situation an even more awkward date?
Thank you Tinder. If not for meeting a great guy, I could someday marry; at the very least you never disappoint with a good laugh, and an awkward story to tell!
P.S my spirit animal is the eye roll emoji! What's yours?