The Challenges Of Dating Someone Who Is Hypo/HypersexualBy Aubree Phillips - 8 min read
When you or your partner disclose the information of being hyposexual or hypersexual, your list of fun date ideas with
When you or your partner disclose the information of being hyposexual or hypersexual, your list of fun date ideas with each other may diminish.
You may have never heard of these terms before, but I assure you that they do exist. I know this because I have experienced both and the challenges that resulted from that are often difficult to manage. You may have wondered like I have how anyone can become hyposexual or hypersexual if they seemed like they were doing fine before.
In this article, I explain what hyposexuality and hypersexuality is and how to talk to your partner about it in order to create a stronger relationship with each other. By being able to build a stronger relationship with each other, you may be able to reverse the negativity associated with such varying sexual drives, because a sexual drive is what these two sexualities share in common the most and is the reason for most of the challenges involved.
Before you can know about the challenges of being hyposexual or hyposexual, you need to know the main difference between the two sexual drives. To be hyposexual is to have a low libido. On the other hand, to be hypersexual is to have a high libido. By knowing this, you can read on about the challenges of each sexual drive.
Hyposexuality is not a sexual orientation.
Hyposexuality is often confused with asexuality. The difference being is that if someone is hyposexual, they may have a low libido but a well-defined sexual orientation. For example, someone may be straight or gay and just not be interested in sex at the time, so they are still straight or gay.
Being asexual is not about having a low libido necessarily, but having no interest in either gender and is a separate sexual orientation from being either heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. Asexual people may remain virgins due to their lack of interest in gender, but they may practice self-pleasure instead.
1. No sexual awakening
Some people may experience hyposexuality because they have not experienced a sexual awakening yet. They may be inclined to like one gender over another, so they are not asexual, just a virgin waiting for the right person and the right time.
The furthest some of these people have ever gone is to just be friends with those they enjoy the company of, and until they are ready to be sexual, they may continue to have a lower sex drive.
For example, when you are underage and still in school, you may have friends of one gender more than the other and be ok with that even while in high school or college.
To not have had a sexual awakening is not a bad thing, you just have a lot to experience and learn from your body and from others. Attraction is key for a sexual awakening to occur.
Some people may find others physically attractive while others may find the essence of someone far more attractive. When you do find someone who gets you excited sexually, you will wake up sexually and find an increase in your sex drive.
You may have come from a very religious and/or conservative family and talking about sexuality in any way seemed unnatural, so you may have avoided asking questions or learning things on your own even if you were curious.
You may have even dressed a certain way to avoid tempting the opposite gender, so you got less notice when you could have had more. Doing anything solo seemed wrong as well, so even if you did try a few things, you may have suppressed those urges. This will all make raising your sexual drive very hard as you may have a lot of guilt to deal with.
3. How you feel
You can also be hyposexual when you are depressed, anxious, or angry. It may be very difficult for you to enjoy anything pleasurable, especially anything sexual because, in order to enjoy anything sexual, you have to be relaxed. Almost anything can cause this, so try to notice when your interest in sex changes.
4. Past trauma
To get into a relaxed state of mind may prove almost impossible, especially if you or your partner was sexually abused, harassed, raped or forced to do anything you didn’t want to without your consent.
There may be a lot of tension around your pleasure points which doesn’t allow you to feel pleasure where you once could. This may make any sexual contact you do have to feel forced and uncomfortable, so you deny your sexual feelings and become hyposexual to avoid any pain.
On the other side of the spectrum is hypersexuality, and even though both hyposexuality and hypersexuality may seem alike, they are far from being the same sexual drive.
1. Puberty and/or first sexual experience
You may have recently experienced your first sexual encounter, and you feel alive sexually. All you may think about and want is sex.
You may be hypersexual. This is especially true when you are a teenage or young adult and your hormones are out of whack. You may feel out of control and notice things you never did before about yourself and the ones you may have romantic feelings for.
Those romantic feelings soon become sexual pulls and you can’t help but to want to discover their body.
Hypersexuality may stem from the fact that our society is saturated with sexual imagery. Wherever you go, there is an underlying message that is often sexual. This can be the case regarding the foods you eat, the places you see and hear of, and especially of the media you consume.
Sex is everywhere and even when it is hidden well, you may know that something is not quite right. You may have missed this before when you weren’t awake sexually simply because sexuality of any kind is never openly talked about or even accepted except in private with two consenting adults.
Your family may still be religious and/or conservative and you vow to never be like them. Or, you may have come from an open-minded family, so you see your sexuality as something to be explored to the fullest and your family supports your decision.
4. How you feel
To fight off depression, anxiety, and anger, you may turn your attention to porn and have many sexual exploits. This can be dangerous if left unchecked, especially if this behavior leads to severe procrastination and behavioral problems.
5. Past trauma
To become hypersexual after being abused sexually may be the result of wanting to reclaim power and to establish your own sexuality. By either giving pain to someone else, you feel empowered. Or, by reclaiming your sexuality back, you feel normal when you didn’t feel normal before.
All of these reasons about why someone becomes hyposexual or hypersexual are very important to talk about to someone who can help you or your partner to not only have a normal sex life but to help both of you understand the reasons why you feel the way you do and how that might affect those you come into contact with.
If you have a partner who doesn’t understand the sudden shift(s) between sexual drives, then knowing how to talk to your partner may be very crucial for the health of the relationship.
6. How to talk to your partner
First and foremost, you will want them to know about hyposexuality and hypersexuality. You will want them to know this so that if you or your partner experience a sudden shift in sexual drive, you can support each other as both of you get the help you need in order to recover.
Then you will want to explain to your partner the reasons for the sudden shift in your sex drive. This will take a lot of self-reflection as you and your partner trace your memories back to when the shift occurred. With the help of your partner, you may get through this faster than if you were on your own.
Then you will want your partner to know that they can help you and describe to them what they need to do for you. This may seem tricky if you don’t know the answers, so you may just need to take things slowly and to just inform your partner what you need at the time. This will allow both of you to continue the relationship in a healthy way as you navigate the underlying reason(s) for your change of sexual drive with someone you trust.
If a supportive partner is not what you need, then you may want to seek the guidance of a therapist, a dating coach, or a sex therapist. A dating coach may be able to teach you how to be better supportive partners for each other, while a sexual therapist is trained specifically in issues regarding sex.
Since there may be a lot to uncover and understand, a therapist may ultimately be the one you may feel most inclined to seek to counsel from, since they can help you simply by hearing your concerns and frustrations and helping you to solve them.
Fun date ideas
Now that you know that your relationship is not doomed because of changes in sexual drives and that you can rely on each other for support during those difficult times, you may want to go out on a date together, but now you may not know what to do. Below I give a few examples for each sexuality.
Note: I am not an expert on this topic, so these date ideas may or may not be suitable for everyone.
Fun date ideas for those who are hyposexual
For someone who is hyposexual and who doesn’t want to be sexual, you may decide to keep dates simple by going out to public places where there is enough activity to keep both of you busy and entertained. This will take off the pressure of having to make any move or to strike up a conversation when one isn’t initiated.
For someone who is hyposexual and who do want to be sexual, you may want to start out by going on a date in public, but then take your date home with you or go somewhere more private. By doing so, you allow for a balance of activity and conversation, enough to get a stir of a sexual drive as both of you feel safe with each other.
Fun date ideas for those who are hypersexual
A hypersexual person needs to be free to explore their sexuality, and if they choose to be with one person, then all is needed is consent. If consent is not given, do not feel obliged to give in to their demand. Rather, try to give them time to be sexual with you and move on to other activities.
You may even want to treat the hypersexual person the same way as the hyposexual person to decrease their sexual drive a bit, especially if that drive is directed towards you a little too much.
I have discovered for myself that sexual drives change multiple times a day. It can be difficult or easy to deal with if you know how to solve any challenges that come your way. Whether someone you are dating is hyposexual or hypersexual, all you need is consent.
If consent is earned and you still feel overwhelmed by the lack or abundance of sex, you may want to talk to someone more specialized in their training such as a therapist, a dating coach, or as a sexual therapist. You and your partner should learn how to contain your sexual drives in a healthy way so that you do not become hypo/hypersexual and risk losing the relationship.
Everyone deserves to have a healthy relationship with sex and with their sexuality regardless of what it is, and everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship with the one they love.
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